Just finished a book I have been meaning to read from years but kept ignoring. Thank god, I ignored! It is really meaningful now for me because of the situation I am going through. “By the river Piedra I sat down & wept” made me think a lot about my spiritual longing.
Not sure if this was the key moment when I started being freak, but I remember it distinctively, my parents room had a really small window and selective evening rays came passing the tree shade through the grills on the wooden table near bed or even sometimes on bed. I, after school would find myself alone there studying or simply just reading. My moment of curiosity and amazement started when I would put my transparent pen in an angle so well that it would act as prism to show colors on the opposite wall. Though later I learned why it happens, it was my private little discovery, I would always check different angles according to the rays.
That made me curious about many things, I read all the science,religious, mythology books I could find. After some while I would start asking questions or talk to people about it but to my surprise nobody wanted to discuss these things or wanted to discuss only their favorable parts in religion. Eventually I had my own opinions, they were definitely not welcome and no it was not about girl or boy thing, I realized society treated everybody harshly who opened their mouth to say real things. Eventually I always had solutions in no time. I would know the complex problems, thinking patterns of other people. Unfortunately, in fear of people calling me freak I stopped talking about it, I knew people won’t understand. I thought it was not normal, how funny!
I had become so good in hiding all that went real in my thoughts that I was actually a popular in school, college or anywhere. Though I was that, I was afraid to take risks all the time, could never express anything about me, listen everything of others, in short miserable. For so many years I had these unquenchable yearning not for a lover or luxury but one simple meaningful conversation about reality, because I know that alone can develop the feeling called love in me. Then ‘being normal’ suddenly stopped one day, I had felt love and got rejected. I was sad and devastated but felt it was time to give up the mask, some pieces of it fell.
I stopped caring about what people thought of me became very selective but mask was not yet all off. I felt again love from one conversation and it was deeper, at the end huge chunk fell of my mask. I would take any risk now, understand caring & give love. Things go on, you keep discovering your path when you are ready. I was ready to give love but not ready accept it from others.
Here is how the book helped me- I realized, it is not the conversation, or any physical need or some magic. It is just simple feeling you discover in other talking to you all the time even if you don’t talk and sit with each other, answers everything. A feeling of your conscious surrender. It is the spark I need and also to learn accepting it.
I would end this with one of the many nice quotes of the book:
” I am going to sit here with you by the river. If you go home to sleep, I will sleep in front of your house. And if you go away, I will follow you- until you tell me to go away. Then I’ll leave. But I have to love you for the rest of my life.”
